Recently, I have heard multiple young individuals mention that they are either scared of having children or that they have no desire to have any children. Hearing these statements has turned my innermost thoughts toward motherhood.
When I was a young girl, I always dreamed about being a mother. I loved babies and little children and I don't remember a time when I didn't have a strong desire to have children of my own. And now, here I am in the midst of my dream come true!
Words can't describe the sweet feeling of having tiny fingers wrap around my own finger and hold on tight. There is something about having a squishy cheek pressed against my own that seems to stop the hands of time for just that moment. I will never forget the moments when each of my newborn babies have been placed on my chest and I looked in their eyes and welcomed them to the world. I cherish the feeling of a small hand in my own as we walk alongside each other. These and many other small and simple moments make up for the many other mothering moments that have made me want to pull my hair out. (Yes, there have been too many moments like that to count. It is a miracle that I don't have my husband's hairdo!)
I often find myself cleaning up crushed Cheerios on my floor for what feels like the hundredth time in a day. I wash clothes, only to see them get dirty the following day. I mop floors, and dirty little feet track in sand and mud a few minutes later. I can't seem to keep a window or a mirror free from grubby little handprints for longer than a few hours. Cleaning at my house means that I am cleaning up one part of the house while my children (usually the youngest) is off making a mess somewhere else.
Sometimes, the beautiful and tender mothering moments I mentioned before fade into the background and I get lost in the seemingly endless to-do list of each day. I have found myself tempted to think, "Is this really what I signed up for? Did I work so hard in my schooling so that I could spend my life chasing from one chore to the next?"
The Lord, however, has taught me something very important. A mother is not someone who cooks or cleans. A mother is not someone who does laundry and sweeps floors. A mother is not someone who runs a taxi service. A mother is not someone who pays the bills. Yes, these are all tasks that are involved (and important) in making and keeping a home. Often, these tasks do fall upon the shoulders of mothers. However, these are also tasks that need to be done whether or not there are children in the home.
Even if a man or woman lives alone, or if there are no children in the home, bills still need to be paid. The floors still need sweeping. Laundry and dishes still need to be done. When you take a step back, these are all just tasks in and of themselves. Being mother is a separate and sacred role.
A mother is the gateway between the pre-mortal world and Earth. And Satan is keenly aware of this. He knows that Heavenly Father's spirit children have no way to get here to Earth without a mother who is willing to sacrifice her own body to house a new life. Heavenly Father's plan for us is utterly dependent on mothers. What an amazing trust He has placed in us!
If that is not enough, He then entrusts us with the responsibility of loving, teaching, and guiding those children through this life and helping them return again to the God who gave them life. There are some women, for whatever reason, who are never able to have children. And this is where they come in! A woman's motherly influence reaches beyond simply her own children. All women have innate gifts given to her from God that are specific and special to women. Anytime a woman uses her innate, divine gifts to bless any of God's children, she is part of this marvelous plan. She is fulfilling her role as a mother in God's kingdom.
The magnificence in this is that the service given to us by others - mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, friends - continues to live on inside of us. It shapes us and inspires us. And then it continues to bless others! Our own service and goodness blesses others that we never even meet. What a beautiful, tender miracle.
My heart is full today as I celebrate my motherhood. I am thankful for my mother and the many other women in my life who have shaped me and taught me. I know that as I continue on as a mother, I will still have moments where I want to pull my hair out. And although I do think my husband is quite handsome, I hope I don't give in because I don't think that hairstyle would look quite as good on me as it does on him!
I am thankful for the quiet whisperings of the Spirit. I am thankful that God inspired me to take a step back this week and let Him work in my thoughts. It is empowering to know that all of this is so much bigger than crushed Cheerios, temper tantrums, or mountains of laundry. It is about you and me. It is about Him and us. I pray that my Father in Heaven can always help me see the big picture and let my innate gifts and divine role define me rather than all of the things that I am "getting done."
Thursday, October 10, 2019
Sunday, September 8, 2019
The Ultimate Price
I was asked to speak in church today. The topic I was asked to address was how forgiving ourselves can help us forgive others and, ultimately, reconcile us to God. I did a lot of studying and pondering as I sought to know the message that the Lord would have me share.
We were in Oklahoma visiting Daniel's sister and her sweet family last week for Labor Day weekend. While there, we spent an afternoon at the lake. Our brother-in-law's father brought his kayaks to the lake and we had a blast paddling around! (I think I might have enjoyed it more than anyone else!) It is very rare that I get a moment alone with my thoughts, but I had one of those rare moments that day! As I paddled by myself around the lake and pondered about my talk, the Lord inspired me with a story that could teach the importance of forgiving ourselves when we make a mistake. This story has blessed me and touched my heart; I would feel selfish keeping it to myself, so I decided to share it.
I want it to be very clear that I cannot take credit for this. This story was impressed upon my mind by the Lord. I simply wrote down what He taught me. Here it is:
There once was a young man. He had
a bright future ahead of him and he was filled with potential. He was beloved
by all who knew him. One day, however, he made a grave mistake in a moment of
foolishness. This grave mistake resulted in his imprisonment. His only chance
of being released from prison was if someone on the outside were to pay for his
release. The sum of money required in exchange for his release was exorbitant. When
the young man learned of the price required in exchanged for his release, he
realized that he would be in prison for the rest of his life. “No one could
love me, a criminal, enough to pay such a sum for my release,” he thought.
However, there was another man, a
man of great wealth, who heard of this young man’s plight. This man had worked
tirelessly all his life and had made a great fortune. He thought of all the
good the young man could still do with his life. He thought of the despair that
the young man must be feeling. The wealthy man felt compassion for the young
man. In fact, he felt so much compassion that he decided to pay the
unfathomable price required in exchange for the release of the young man. The
wealthy man gave everything that he had so that the young man could be set
free.
With great disbelief at the
miraculous turn of events, the prison guards came to release the young man from
his cell and tell him of his good fortune. To their surprise, the young man
refused to believe that such a wonderful thing could be true. “How could anyone
love me enough to pay such a price? I’m a lowly criminal. No. It can’t be
true.” Rather than accepting the freedom that the wealthy man had paid the
price to offer, he chose to stay in prison.
Just like the young man, when we
choose not to forgive ourselves (or another who has wronged us), in a sense, we are choosing to stay in prison
when the ransom has already been paid. And just like the wealthy man in the
story, the Savior has already paid the most infinite price imaginable for our
sins and the sins of others.
When we think of the gift of our Savior’s life, we
often think of the moments that adorned His final week on Earth, specifically His time in Gethsemane and ultimate death on the cross. These moments are surely crowning moments of His earthly ministry and gift to us. However, do we stop to
think about the fact that His entire life was His gift to us?
From the moment
He was born until the moment He died, He sacrificed His will and the natural
man to submit to the Father’s will and fulfill His plan. Though divine, He was
not exempt from the divine law of agency or the many trials, tribulations, and
discomforts that accompany this life. He paid the ultimate price; He gave everything
He had. Every. Single. Day. How could we ever say that such a price isn’t sufficient for the wrong
that we, or someone else, have committed?
I love Jesus Christ with all my heart. I know that He lives and that His Atonement is real. Everything He did was out of love for us and Father in Heaven. Now it is our turn to do everything out of love for Him and our Father in Heaven. He prepared the way for our happiness, and He wants us to be happy - not just in the end, but here and now. The Atonement of Jesus Christ brings happiness in this life as well as in the world to come.
Preparing and delivering this message blessed me. I hope that what I learned can bless someone else as well.
Tuesday, July 16, 2019
Small and Simple
In April of 2018, the prophet (Russell M. Nelson) of Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints announced that the Lord wanted us to increase our focus on serving as He would if He were here. The term used to refer to this type of Christlike service is ministering. Previously, we had been asked to visit the homes of specific people in the ward and deliver a message once a month. Ministering, however, requires that we seek inspiration as to how we can meet the needs of those individuals and families over which we are given stewardship. Furthermore, it applies to everyone within our reach - not just assigned families and individuals. The opportunities to be an instrument in the Lord's hands are limitless.
Over the last year and a half, I have tried hard to measure up to the Lord's expectaitons and serve others as He would. I must admit that in the past, sometimes I got lost in thinking that I had to be doing something grandiose in order to serve the Lord's children who surround me each day. This shift to ministering has taught me the important lesson that small and simple things really do bring about great things.
One of my favorite things to do is go on walks with my kids around our neighborhood. This particular walk is a mile-long loop with multiple hills. Typically, my son will choose to ride his bike when we go on these walks. Going down the hills is easy and fun for him; going up, however, is a different story.
Sometimes he can make it to the top of the hill on his own. Other times, he needs my help to make it to the top. I have learned that in order to help him get to the top of a hill, I don't need to exert an exhorbitant amount of energy. I don't need to push or pull with all my might. Rather, all I need to do is put my hand on his shoulder and walk beside him as he pedals. When I do this, there is hardly any extra effort involved on my part. The extra help that comes just from having my hand on his shoulder as I walk beside him makes it possible for him to get to the top of each hill.
I have come to learn that ministering is very similar to this scenario. There may be times when the Lord calls on us to carry someone to the top of a hill. More often than not, though, all we need to do place our hand on their shoulder and walk beside them. That added strength and power will help them get to the top of whatever hill they are climbing.
There is a reason that the Lord uses small and simple means to do a great work; it is because it is doable and because it is effective. I know that as we follow His pattern of using small and simple means, we will truly see great things brought to pass.
Over the last year and a half, I have tried hard to measure up to the Lord's expectaitons and serve others as He would. I must admit that in the past, sometimes I got lost in thinking that I had to be doing something grandiose in order to serve the Lord's children who surround me each day. This shift to ministering has taught me the important lesson that small and simple things really do bring about great things.
One of my favorite things to do is go on walks with my kids around our neighborhood. This particular walk is a mile-long loop with multiple hills. Typically, my son will choose to ride his bike when we go on these walks. Going down the hills is easy and fun for him; going up, however, is a different story.
Sometimes he can make it to the top of the hill on his own. Other times, he needs my help to make it to the top. I have learned that in order to help him get to the top of a hill, I don't need to exert an exhorbitant amount of energy. I don't need to push or pull with all my might. Rather, all I need to do is put my hand on his shoulder and walk beside him as he pedals. When I do this, there is hardly any extra effort involved on my part. The extra help that comes just from having my hand on his shoulder as I walk beside him makes it possible for him to get to the top of each hill.
I have come to learn that ministering is very similar to this scenario. There may be times when the Lord calls on us to carry someone to the top of a hill. More often than not, though, all we need to do place our hand on their shoulder and walk beside them. That added strength and power will help them get to the top of whatever hill they are climbing.
There is a reason that the Lord uses small and simple means to do a great work; it is because it is doable and because it is effective. I know that as we follow His pattern of using small and simple means, we will truly see great things brought to pass.
Monday, May 27, 2019
I am the Prodigal
I remember reading the parable of the prodigal son when I was a young girl. I always identified with the son who stayed, simply because I have always tried very hard to be good; I don't remember a time when I did not have a strong desire to stay close to my Father in Heaven. I was the faithful son, simply because I knew I could never leave my God.
Sometimes, as faithful followers of Jesus Christ, it is really easy to point our fingers at the individuals who decide to turn their backs on their faith and identify them as "the prodigals," so to speak. However, as I have grown older and (hopefully) just a little bit wiser, I have come to realize that I am the prodigal son in the story. In fact, I identify with the prodigal son more now than I do with the son who decided to stay.
The prodigal son only leaves and then returns home once in the story. Ours, however, is a story of returning home day after day, month after month, and year after year. Our entire journey here on earth is a process of continually coming home.
In spite of the good intentions of my heart each day when I rise, I still find myself making mistakes (some of which are seemingly small) that could be easily overlooked. Sometimes it is a sin of commission, and often, it is a sin of omission. Repentance is not reserved for those who have completely turned their back on their faith and need to make their way back. Repentance is a powerful tool that disciples of Jesus Christ can use every day to become better than they were yesterday and progress on their journey back to Him.
As I reflect at the end of each day, I realize that in a sense, I have had many moments where I have left the home of my Father and I need to return again. That is where the beauty of the Lord's plan comes into play. It doesn't matter how many times we have left home. It doesn't matter how far from home we have wandered. We can always return. And He will always see us when we are "yet a great way off." He will have compassion and He will run to us. He will welcome us home with joy and with love. (Luke 15:20)
When I repent, He meets me with joy and love. I love my Father in Heaven and my Savior, Jesus Christ. They knew that there would be times each and every day when I would make mistakes and leave my home, so to speak. So, They provided a clear, constant, and readily available pathway back through the Atonement of Jesus Christ.
God's plan was never that we would become perfect on our own. I know that the Atonement of Jesus Christ is real. The Atonement of Jesus Christ is just as much for those struggling with serious sins as it is for those dealing with seemingly small errors in their ways. It truly has the power to perfect us and make us better than we could ever be on our own.
Sometimes, as faithful followers of Jesus Christ, it is really easy to point our fingers at the individuals who decide to turn their backs on their faith and identify them as "the prodigals," so to speak. However, as I have grown older and (hopefully) just a little bit wiser, I have come to realize that I am the prodigal son in the story. In fact, I identify with the prodigal son more now than I do with the son who decided to stay.
The prodigal son only leaves and then returns home once in the story. Ours, however, is a story of returning home day after day, month after month, and year after year. Our entire journey here on earth is a process of continually coming home.
In spite of the good intentions of my heart each day when I rise, I still find myself making mistakes (some of which are seemingly small) that could be easily overlooked. Sometimes it is a sin of commission, and often, it is a sin of omission. Repentance is not reserved for those who have completely turned their back on their faith and need to make their way back. Repentance is a powerful tool that disciples of Jesus Christ can use every day to become better than they were yesterday and progress on their journey back to Him.
As I reflect at the end of each day, I realize that in a sense, I have had many moments where I have left the home of my Father and I need to return again. That is where the beauty of the Lord's plan comes into play. It doesn't matter how many times we have left home. It doesn't matter how far from home we have wandered. We can always return. And He will always see us when we are "yet a great way off." He will have compassion and He will run to us. He will welcome us home with joy and with love. (Luke 15:20)
When I repent, He meets me with joy and love. I love my Father in Heaven and my Savior, Jesus Christ. They knew that there would be times each and every day when I would make mistakes and leave my home, so to speak. So, They provided a clear, constant, and readily available pathway back through the Atonement of Jesus Christ.
God's plan was never that we would become perfect on our own. I know that the Atonement of Jesus Christ is real. The Atonement of Jesus Christ is just as much for those struggling with serious sins as it is for those dealing with seemingly small errors in their ways. It truly has the power to perfect us and make us better than we could ever be on our own.
Monday, March 18, 2019
I Stand All Amazed
We have seen so many miracles and blessings throughout Kate's medical problems during the last month. I don't ever want to forget these miracles, so I decided to write them down. I am sharing them because there were so many people praying for Kate and they deserve to see the fruit of their faith and prayers. The goodness of God has truly been evident throughout this difficult experience.
-About two weeks before all of Kate's medical problems arose, our van broke down and needed a major repair. Shortly after that problem was fixed, the battery totally died and needed to be replaced. I remember thinking, "Well, what else could go wrong?!" (A dangerous question, I will warn you.) While these events were frustrating at the time, I have looked back with gratitude realizing that they were actually blessings. The Lord knew that those problems with our car were coming and He made sure they were fixed before we had Kate's medical problems arise. Since we had to drive from the hospital in Alexandria, LA to the hospital in New Orleans, LA (a 3 hour drive), car problems would have been a serious and stressful complication.
-My parents were in town the week before all of this happened. They booked a room in Dallas, TX for us and watched the kids while we went to the temple there to worship. The words from the ordinances and covenants were fresh in my mind. I clung to those words and they gave me an eternal perspective and strength beyond my own as I faced an enormous trial of my faith.
-Both my dad and Daniel gave Kate priesthood blessings before we knew what was going on with her. Both blessed her with strength and courage, and that she would not be afraid. I saw the fulfillment of this blessing. Throughout the entire ordeal, from double vision to pokes and MRI's, from the surgery itself to the recovery, Kate was nothing but brave. She did not complain even once about anything that she had to go through. She is an incredible example of faith in Jesus Christ. She is my hero.
-We live in a small town in central Louisiana. There are two hospitals in Alexandria, and neither one had a working MRI machine in the facility. The hospital that Kate was admitted to had an MRI machine in the parking lot in a trailer (it sounds podunk, but it wasn't as creepy as it sounds. I promise.). Because of this, they were not able to sedate patients for MRI's, and they always have to sedate children for MRI's because they cannot stay still enough for the image to turn out well. We asked our families and friends to pray that she would be able to stay still enough for the MRI so that we could get some answers as to what had caused the problem with her vision. The doctors couldn't believe it, but she was able to stay almost perfectly still for 30 minutes so that they could do the imaging. They were able to do the imaging with and without contrast. (I did not know much about this before, but it is unheard of for a child to be able to do an MRI with contrast without being sedated.) She also had another MRI when she was transferred to Ocshner, and did not need to be sedated for that either. The doctors and nurses couldn't believe that she could sit still. Once again, a prayer heard and a miracle seen.
-When the doctors came to tell us that the MRI indicated that Kate had had a stroke, they also told us that we would probably be sent home from the hospital without an answer as to what had caused the stroke. They said it took weeks (and sometimes months) to find the underlying cause. We prayed with family and friends that they would be able to identify the cause quickly. Within a matter of a few hours, the doctors had found the tumor in Kate's heart and identified it as the cause of the stroke. I believe the doctors were inspired to know what tests to run so that the cause could be identified quickly.
-Daniel's parents were able to drop everything and come watch our two sons so that Daniel and I could be with Kate. Daniel told them about Kate's tumor on Friday afternoon. They left right away and drove through the night (from Utah) and got to our house on Saturday afternoon. Having Daniel at the hospital with us was so comforting and a huge blessing to both me and Kate.
-Along those same lines, Henry is just barely one year old. In spite of tending to be kind of clingy to his parents, he adjusted to having Daniel's parents here quickly and did very well while we were gone. I had started weaning him at the beginning of February. He was mad and had a hard time, and I almost gave up. But I felt strongly that it was just time to be done nursing. I am so glad that I stuck with it, because Henry would not have been allowed to be in the PICU with me because he is so young.
-Andy's birthday was the same day as Kate's surgery. I was so sad to miss his birthday. Not only did my in-laws make his birthday so special and fun, but there were many friends in the area who stopped by and wished him a happy birthday. They stepped in for me during my absence and made sure that he was taken care of, and that meant everything to me.
-Family members reached out and sent money for Daniel and me to spend on food while we were at the hospital. I was having a hard time eating because of the amount of stress I was under, and it would have been a lot easier for me to justify skipping meals if people had not sent us money specifically to spend on food. I truly had no appetite, but it made it easier to force myself to eat because I did not want people's generosity to be in vain.
-Kate's surgery was on Monday, March 4. She came home on Thursday, March 7 because doctors could not find any reason to keep her in the hospital longer. She needed one dose of Advil when we got home, but hasn't needed any pain medicine since. Her body has healed miraculously fast and you wouldn't believe that she had surgery just last week. I know that she has been healed by the power of God. He worked through the medical providers here on earth, and also through His priesthood power to heal our daughter.
-Just a couple of weeks before all of this happened, Kate's school was doing Jump Rope for Heart. She came home telling me all about heart heroes and how cool they are! When we found out that she had a tumor in her heart and that she was going to need open heart surgery, I reminded her that she was going to be a heart hero. She was very excited about it and that helped add a positive spin to something that was overwhelming and hard for a child to understand.
-I had an amazing church leader when I was a young girl. She has kept in touch with my mom, and she had a friend down in New Orleans who just so happens to work for the American Heart Association (the association behind Jump Rope for Heart). She stopped by the hospital to visit us after Kate's surgery and brought us a huge basket of snacks and activities. Most importantly, she brought me hugs from that beloved sister that I still love so much.
-A member of our church read my Facebook post encouraging people to donate blood in honor of Kate because hospitals don't have enough blood donations right now. She could have just gone and donated herself, but she decided to organize a blood drive in honor of Kate. This will bless countless lives in the hospital, and it also blesses us because the blood bank will donate some money toward Kate's medical expenses at the hospital.
-Before all of this happened, I was really struggling with my relationship with Kate. She has an incredibly strong will and we would butt heads. A lot. I had been praying for Heavenly Father to help me see Kate the way that He sees her. Through this trial, my relationship with Kate was renewed and strengthened. I was blessed to be able to witness some of her amazing attributes that I am sure will only continue to develop with time. My Heavenly Father gave me a little glimpse into just how incredible this young woman is and the force for good that He knows she will be.
-Although it is simple, I think the greatest miracle we saw was peace. I was able to truly come to a point where I was willing to accept the Lord's will no matter what it was. There was no more turmoil. Just a calm assurance that God knows all and that He was going to take care of me and my family. Even if Kate had passed away, I knew that our family would be together again and that God had a plan for us. That peace that I felt in the midst of a stormy sea was a beautiful and sacred miracle, and something that could only come from Jesus Christ. I know that this miracle was the result of thousands of prayers prayed by countless individuals across the country, including myself. It was something so powerful and tangible that I will never, ever forget it.
The blessings and miracles have seemed endless. We have received so many letters and packages in the mail. We have felt so loved by our friends, family, and those we don't even know through all of this. Hundreds of people have been praying for us, and it has sustained us through our darkest hour. We have prayed many times to thank Heavenly Father for your kindness. Most of all, we have felt the love of God through our trials. His hand has been evident at every turn, and we will forever praise His name. The words of one of my favorite hymns (I Stand All Amazed) puts it best:
-About two weeks before all of Kate's medical problems arose, our van broke down and needed a major repair. Shortly after that problem was fixed, the battery totally died and needed to be replaced. I remember thinking, "Well, what else could go wrong?!" (A dangerous question, I will warn you.) While these events were frustrating at the time, I have looked back with gratitude realizing that they were actually blessings. The Lord knew that those problems with our car were coming and He made sure they were fixed before we had Kate's medical problems arise. Since we had to drive from the hospital in Alexandria, LA to the hospital in New Orleans, LA (a 3 hour drive), car problems would have been a serious and stressful complication.
-My parents were in town the week before all of this happened. They booked a room in Dallas, TX for us and watched the kids while we went to the temple there to worship. The words from the ordinances and covenants were fresh in my mind. I clung to those words and they gave me an eternal perspective and strength beyond my own as I faced an enormous trial of my faith.
-Both my dad and Daniel gave Kate priesthood blessings before we knew what was going on with her. Both blessed her with strength and courage, and that she would not be afraid. I saw the fulfillment of this blessing. Throughout the entire ordeal, from double vision to pokes and MRI's, from the surgery itself to the recovery, Kate was nothing but brave. She did not complain even once about anything that she had to go through. She is an incredible example of faith in Jesus Christ. She is my hero.
-We live in a small town in central Louisiana. There are two hospitals in Alexandria, and neither one had a working MRI machine in the facility. The hospital that Kate was admitted to had an MRI machine in the parking lot in a trailer (it sounds podunk, but it wasn't as creepy as it sounds. I promise.). Because of this, they were not able to sedate patients for MRI's, and they always have to sedate children for MRI's because they cannot stay still enough for the image to turn out well. We asked our families and friends to pray that she would be able to stay still enough for the MRI so that we could get some answers as to what had caused the problem with her vision. The doctors couldn't believe it, but she was able to stay almost perfectly still for 30 minutes so that they could do the imaging. They were able to do the imaging with and without contrast. (I did not know much about this before, but it is unheard of for a child to be able to do an MRI with contrast without being sedated.) She also had another MRI when she was transferred to Ocshner, and did not need to be sedated for that either. The doctors and nurses couldn't believe that she could sit still. Once again, a prayer heard and a miracle seen.
-When the doctors came to tell us that the MRI indicated that Kate had had a stroke, they also told us that we would probably be sent home from the hospital without an answer as to what had caused the stroke. They said it took weeks (and sometimes months) to find the underlying cause. We prayed with family and friends that they would be able to identify the cause quickly. Within a matter of a few hours, the doctors had found the tumor in Kate's heart and identified it as the cause of the stroke. I believe the doctors were inspired to know what tests to run so that the cause could be identified quickly.
-I was able to drive down to New Orleans (a place that I had never been), by myself, at night, under the stress of having a child's life on the line, and in the midst of Mardi Gras traffic. And I made it. You may laugh, but it really was a blessing.
-Atrial myxoma is a very rare tumor - especially in the pediatric world. For most of the doctors and nurses at the hospital, this was the first time that they had ever treated a pediatric patient with this condition. It just so happens, however, that the very week that Kate was admitted to the hospital, there was a chain of emails being exchanged between cardiologists throughout the United States about atrial myxomas. Her cardiologists at Ocshner were a part of this email exchange, and the information in these emails contained useful information for those who were taking care of her.-Daniel's parents were able to drop everything and come watch our two sons so that Daniel and I could be with Kate. Daniel told them about Kate's tumor on Friday afternoon. They left right away and drove through the night (from Utah) and got to our house on Saturday afternoon. Having Daniel at the hospital with us was so comforting and a huge blessing to both me and Kate.
-Along those same lines, Henry is just barely one year old. In spite of tending to be kind of clingy to his parents, he adjusted to having Daniel's parents here quickly and did very well while we were gone. I had started weaning him at the beginning of February. He was mad and had a hard time, and I almost gave up. But I felt strongly that it was just time to be done nursing. I am so glad that I stuck with it, because Henry would not have been allowed to be in the PICU with me because he is so young.
-Andy's birthday was the same day as Kate's surgery. I was so sad to miss his birthday. Not only did my in-laws make his birthday so special and fun, but there were many friends in the area who stopped by and wished him a happy birthday. They stepped in for me during my absence and made sure that he was taken care of, and that meant everything to me.
-Family members reached out and sent money for Daniel and me to spend on food while we were at the hospital. I was having a hard time eating because of the amount of stress I was under, and it would have been a lot easier for me to justify skipping meals if people had not sent us money specifically to spend on food. I truly had no appetite, but it made it easier to force myself to eat because I did not want people's generosity to be in vain.
-Kate's surgery was on Monday, March 4. She came home on Thursday, March 7 because doctors could not find any reason to keep her in the hospital longer. She needed one dose of Advil when we got home, but hasn't needed any pain medicine since. Her body has healed miraculously fast and you wouldn't believe that she had surgery just last week. I know that she has been healed by the power of God. He worked through the medical providers here on earth, and also through His priesthood power to heal our daughter.
-Just a couple of weeks before all of this happened, Kate's school was doing Jump Rope for Heart. She came home telling me all about heart heroes and how cool they are! When we found out that she had a tumor in her heart and that she was going to need open heart surgery, I reminded her that she was going to be a heart hero. She was very excited about it and that helped add a positive spin to something that was overwhelming and hard for a child to understand.
-I had an amazing church leader when I was a young girl. She has kept in touch with my mom, and she had a friend down in New Orleans who just so happens to work for the American Heart Association (the association behind Jump Rope for Heart). She stopped by the hospital to visit us after Kate's surgery and brought us a huge basket of snacks and activities. Most importantly, she brought me hugs from that beloved sister that I still love so much.
-A member of our church read my Facebook post encouraging people to donate blood in honor of Kate because hospitals don't have enough blood donations right now. She could have just gone and donated herself, but she decided to organize a blood drive in honor of Kate. This will bless countless lives in the hospital, and it also blesses us because the blood bank will donate some money toward Kate's medical expenses at the hospital.
-Before all of this happened, I was really struggling with my relationship with Kate. She has an incredibly strong will and we would butt heads. A lot. I had been praying for Heavenly Father to help me see Kate the way that He sees her. Through this trial, my relationship with Kate was renewed and strengthened. I was blessed to be able to witness some of her amazing attributes that I am sure will only continue to develop with time. My Heavenly Father gave me a little glimpse into just how incredible this young woman is and the force for good that He knows she will be.
-Although it is simple, I think the greatest miracle we saw was peace. I was able to truly come to a point where I was willing to accept the Lord's will no matter what it was. There was no more turmoil. Just a calm assurance that God knows all and that He was going to take care of me and my family. Even if Kate had passed away, I knew that our family would be together again and that God had a plan for us. That peace that I felt in the midst of a stormy sea was a beautiful and sacred miracle, and something that could only come from Jesus Christ. I know that this miracle was the result of thousands of prayers prayed by countless individuals across the country, including myself. It was something so powerful and tangible that I will never, ever forget it.
The blessings and miracles have seemed endless. We have received so many letters and packages in the mail. We have felt so loved by our friends, family, and those we don't even know through all of this. Hundreds of people have been praying for us, and it has sustained us through our darkest hour. We have prayed many times to thank Heavenly Father for your kindness. Most of all, we have felt the love of God through our trials. His hand has been evident at every turn, and we will forever praise His name. The words of one of my favorite hymns (I Stand All Amazed) puts it best:
I stand all amazed at the love Jesus offers me,
Confused at the grace that so fully he proffers me.
I tremble to know that for me he was crucified,
That for me, a sinner, he suffered, he bled and died.
Oh, it is wonderful that he should care for me
Enough to die for me!
Oh, it is wonderful, wonderful to me!
Sunday, March 3, 2019
The Refiner's Fire
The purpose of this post is to record the thoughts and feelings that have been in my heart over the past week. I am doing it for myself and Kate so that we never forget these important things we are learning. However, I also plan on sharing it with anyone who would care to read, in hopes that others can be lifted and strengthened with me.
The fact that Kate had a stroke is a miracle. It saved her life. If she hadn't had a stroke, we wouldn't have found the mass in her heart and it would have grown so large that it would have completely blocked the blood from flowing through her heart. I never thought I would be thankful for a stroke, but here I am saying it! This whole week has been a whirlwind, but in quiet moments I have reflected and seen that the Lord was preparing me to face this trial for months.
I work with the young women at church who are between 12 and 18 years of age. We have a little celebration at the beginning of each year to welcome the new girls into young women's and teach them about the program. I had been praying for a couple of months about what to say during my speaking portion, and I felt that the message that the Lord wanted me to share was about trials. This was not what I was expecting and it kind of surprised me. But I proceeded and listened to the thoughts that came to my mind as I prepared. I felt especially strongly that I needed to teach the girls that trials are an evidence of the Lord's love.
Through all my preparation, I also felt that I needed to write a poem. I am not typically gifted in this way, but I gave it a shot. As I sat down to write, the words were truly given to me as a gift - I cannot take credit for the poem because I simply wrote down what the Lord put into my heart. I named it Messages Inside and here it is:
Like a bottle in the ocean ,
You bob and weave through life.
At times the waves bring solace,
And sometimes storms and strife.
It seems you're drifting aimlessly,
On open waves you roam.
You may not even recognize,
Those waves push you toward home.
Some bottles in the ocean
Have a message placed inside.
The author seals the bottle up
And relies upon the tide.
Like a bottle in the ocean
If you look down deep within,
You'll find a message placed inside
From a loving, heavenly kin.
Written not on paper
But in the fiber of your soul,
It is a truth eternal
And truth cannot be nulled.
"You are a daughter of a King,
He loves you forevermore."
The message rings out clear and true,
Your heart begins to soar.
For now you know all waves
Whether stormy or serene,
Are sent by loving hands above
Bringing messages unseen.
Kate had her stroke Tuesday morning (we didn't know it was a stroke yet). I delivered this message on Wednesday night. Kate was admitted to the hospital on Thursday morning. As I stood before my young women and parents and delivered this message, I was overcome with emotion. My heart was full of anguish over my suffering child and the uncertainty of what was ahead of us. But in that moment, I realized that the message the Lord had prepared me to give was not just for my young women. It was for me. And at a time when I needed it desperately.
Along with the poems, we gave the girls a necklace that looks like a message in a bottle. The message inside says, "I am a daughter of my Heavenly Father who loves me and I love Him." I have worn this necklace every day in the hospital and it reminds me to cling to the truths that my Heavenly Father taught me in the months leading up to this trial. And those truths have given me strength and an eternal perspective.
The Lord was teaching me before all of this started that trials are not an evidence of a lack of love from Him. They are evidences of loving hands pushing us closer to Him. He has stayed beside me through all of this. I have never been alone.
I have gained a new appreciation for the fact that Heavenly Father was able to withdraw His presence from Jesus Christ as He was suffering on the cross. During His Son's most intense suffering, nonetheless. I never appreciated how difficult this must have been until now.
As I have watched Kate suffer, I would do anything to take that suffering away. But I can't. Heavenly Father had the power to take away His Son's suffering. But He knew that if He did that, His other children would not be able to return home to Him. And so He allowed the suffering. How difficult that must have been for Him to do, and that is the greatest evidence we have of our Heavenly Father's love for us.
Just like our Savior, we all have to suffer. It is part of the plan. Just like it was hard for Heavenly Father to watch Jesus Christ suffer, He suffers with us when we are hurting. But He allows it because He can see the good that can come from those trials. If we actively choose to remember and cling to our Savior through that suffering, our trials become powerful tools to make us more like Him and strengthen our relationship with Him.
Whether you are dealing with two-year-old tantrums or a child who's life is on the line, your trials can become sacred moments of decision. Moments where you actively choose to follow Jesus Christ. Moments where you actively choose to love Him.
These are some of the many thoughts that have been in my heart that I never want to forget. I hope that my suffering (because yes, in spite the strengh with which I have been blessed, I have been suffering) can help lift someone else.
The fact that Kate had a stroke is a miracle. It saved her life. If she hadn't had a stroke, we wouldn't have found the mass in her heart and it would have grown so large that it would have completely blocked the blood from flowing through her heart. I never thought I would be thankful for a stroke, but here I am saying it! This whole week has been a whirlwind, but in quiet moments I have reflected and seen that the Lord was preparing me to face this trial for months.
I work with the young women at church who are between 12 and 18 years of age. We have a little celebration at the beginning of each year to welcome the new girls into young women's and teach them about the program. I had been praying for a couple of months about what to say during my speaking portion, and I felt that the message that the Lord wanted me to share was about trials. This was not what I was expecting and it kind of surprised me. But I proceeded and listened to the thoughts that came to my mind as I prepared. I felt especially strongly that I needed to teach the girls that trials are an evidence of the Lord's love.
Through all my preparation, I also felt that I needed to write a poem. I am not typically gifted in this way, but I gave it a shot. As I sat down to write, the words were truly given to me as a gift - I cannot take credit for the poem because I simply wrote down what the Lord put into my heart. I named it Messages Inside and here it is:
Like a bottle in the ocean ,
You bob and weave through life.
At times the waves bring solace,
And sometimes storms and strife.
It seems you're drifting aimlessly,
On open waves you roam.
You may not even recognize,
Those waves push you toward home.
Some bottles in the ocean
Have a message placed inside.
The author seals the bottle up
And relies upon the tide.
Like a bottle in the ocean
If you look down deep within,
You'll find a message placed inside
From a loving, heavenly kin.
Written not on paper
But in the fiber of your soul,
It is a truth eternal
And truth cannot be nulled.
"You are a daughter of a King,
He loves you forevermore."
The message rings out clear and true,
Your heart begins to soar.
For now you know all waves
Whether stormy or serene,
Are sent by loving hands above
Bringing messages unseen.
Kate had her stroke Tuesday morning (we didn't know it was a stroke yet). I delivered this message on Wednesday night. Kate was admitted to the hospital on Thursday morning. As I stood before my young women and parents and delivered this message, I was overcome with emotion. My heart was full of anguish over my suffering child and the uncertainty of what was ahead of us. But in that moment, I realized that the message the Lord had prepared me to give was not just for my young women. It was for me. And at a time when I needed it desperately.
Along with the poems, we gave the girls a necklace that looks like a message in a bottle. The message inside says, "I am a daughter of my Heavenly Father who loves me and I love Him." I have worn this necklace every day in the hospital and it reminds me to cling to the truths that my Heavenly Father taught me in the months leading up to this trial. And those truths have given me strength and an eternal perspective.
The Lord was teaching me before all of this started that trials are not an evidence of a lack of love from Him. They are evidences of loving hands pushing us closer to Him. He has stayed beside me through all of this. I have never been alone.
I have gained a new appreciation for the fact that Heavenly Father was able to withdraw His presence from Jesus Christ as He was suffering on the cross. During His Son's most intense suffering, nonetheless. I never appreciated how difficult this must have been until now.
As I have watched Kate suffer, I would do anything to take that suffering away. But I can't. Heavenly Father had the power to take away His Son's suffering. But He knew that if He did that, His other children would not be able to return home to Him. And so He allowed the suffering. How difficult that must have been for Him to do, and that is the greatest evidence we have of our Heavenly Father's love for us.
Just like our Savior, we all have to suffer. It is part of the plan. Just like it was hard for Heavenly Father to watch Jesus Christ suffer, He suffers with us when we are hurting. But He allows it because He can see the good that can come from those trials. If we actively choose to remember and cling to our Savior through that suffering, our trials become powerful tools to make us more like Him and strengthen our relationship with Him.
Whether you are dealing with two-year-old tantrums or a child who's life is on the line, your trials can become sacred moments of decision. Moments where you actively choose to follow Jesus Christ. Moments where you actively choose to love Him.
These are some of the many thoughts that have been in my heart that I never want to forget. I hope that my suffering (because yes, in spite the strengh with which I have been blessed, I have been suffering) can help lift someone else.
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