The Refiner's Fire

The purpose of this post is to record the thoughts and feelings that have been in my heart over the past week. I am doing it for myself and Kate so that we never forget these important things we are learning. However, I also plan on sharing it with anyone who would care to read, in hopes that others can be lifted and strengthened with me.

The fact that Kate had a stroke is a miracle. It saved her life. If she hadn't had a stroke, we wouldn't have found the mass in her heart and it would have grown so large that it would have completely blocked the blood from flowing through her heart. I never thought I would be thankful for a stroke, but here I am saying it! This whole week has been a whirlwind, but in quiet moments I have reflected and seen that the Lord was preparing me to face this trial for months.

I work with the young women at church who are between 12 and 18 years of age. We have a little celebration at the beginning of each year to welcome the new girls into young women's and teach them about the program. I had been praying for a couple of months about what to say during my speaking portion, and I felt that the message that the Lord wanted me to share was about trials. This was not what I was expecting and it kind of surprised me. But I proceeded and listened to the thoughts that came to my mind as I prepared. I felt especially strongly that I needed to teach the girls that trials are an evidence of the Lord's love.

Through all my preparation, I also felt that I needed to write a poem. I am not typically gifted in this way, but I gave it a shot. As I sat down to write, the words were truly given to me as a gift - I cannot take credit for the poem because I simply wrote down what the Lord put into my heart. I named it Messages Inside and here it is:

Like a bottle in the ocean ,
You bob and weave through life.
At times the waves bring solace,
And sometimes storms and strife.

It seems you're drifting aimlessly,
On open waves you roam.
You may not even recognize,
Those waves push you toward home.

Some bottles in the ocean
Have a message placed inside.
The author seals the bottle up
And relies upon the tide.

Like a bottle in the ocean
If you look down deep within,
You'll find a message placed inside
From a loving, heavenly kin.

Written not on paper
But in the fiber of your soul,
It is a truth eternal
And truth cannot be nulled.

"You are a daughter of a King,
He loves you forevermore."
The message rings out clear and true,
Your heart begins to soar.

For now you know all waves
Whether stormy or serene,
Are sent by loving hands above
Bringing messages unseen.


Kate had her stroke Tuesday morning (we didn't know it was a stroke yet). I delivered this message on Wednesday night. Kate was admitted to the hospital on Thursday morning. As I stood before my young women and parents and delivered this message, I was overcome with emotion. My heart was full of anguish  over my suffering child and the uncertainty of what was ahead of us. But in that moment, I realized that the message the Lord had prepared me to give was not just for my young women. It was for me. And at a time when I needed it desperately.

Along with the poems, we gave the girls a necklace that looks like a message in a bottle. The message inside says, "I am a daughter of my Heavenly Father who loves me and I love Him." I have worn this necklace every day in the hospital and it reminds me to cling to the truths that my Heavenly Father taught me in the months leading up to this trial. And those truths have given me strength and an eternal perspective.

The Lord was teaching me before all of this started that trials are not an evidence of a lack of love from Him. They are evidences of loving hands pushing us closer to Him. He has stayed beside me through all of this. I have never been alone.

I have gained a new appreciation for the fact that Heavenly Father was able to withdraw His presence from Jesus Christ as He was suffering on the cross. During His Son's most intense suffering, nonetheless. I never appreciated how difficult this must have been until now.

As I have watched Kate suffer, I would do anything to take that suffering away. But I can't. Heavenly Father had the power to take away His Son's suffering. But He knew that if He did that, His other children would not be able to return home to Him. And so He allowed the suffering. How difficult that must have been for Him to do, and that is the greatest evidence we have of our Heavenly Father's love for us.

Just like our Savior, we all have to suffer. It is part of the plan. Just like it was hard for Heavenly Father to watch Jesus Christ suffer, He suffers with us when we are hurting. But He allows it because He can see the good that can come from those trials. If  we actively choose to remember and cling to our Savior through that suffering, our trials become powerful tools to make us more like Him and strengthen our relationship with Him.

Whether you are dealing with two-year-old tantrums or a child who's life is on the line, your trials can become sacred moments of decision. Moments where you actively choose to follow Jesus Christ. Moments where you actively choose to love Him.

These are some of the many thoughts that have been in my heart that I never want to forget. I hope that my suffering (because yes, in spite the strengh with which I have been blessed, I have been suffering) can help lift someone else.